“Do you know the difference between grade A maple syrup and grade B?”
I was scanning the gluten-free flour options on the shelf. Why does almond meal have to be so expensive? /:(((((( Because it tastes so damn good. I know this because I made the best gluten-free banana cake at the bakery I used to work at. I kinda big-time owe Rose and her book, Heavenly Cakes, because I just took her traditional banana cake recipe and converted it to be safe for the gluten intolerants and celiacs of the world. Thaaaaanks Roooose. You’re so pretty and smart. And I like your name.
So yeah, flour. Gluten-free. I knew I was just gonna get sorghum flour. Because it’s cheap and I haven’t tried it. And it’s supposed to taste great, despite the awkward, not-so-great-sounding name. “Sor-ghum”. The classroom snickers.
As I stared up at the shelf, the maple syrup question came my way.
I point to the grade B, “Deeper maple flavor,” and point to the grade A, “lighter. This one you can use more like a sugar substitute.”
“Ahh. Well, it’s not cheap.”
“No sir.” I said this with an Irish accent, for no apparent reason. Then my fellow customer picks up a bottle of agave nectar.
“Agave? Isn’t that where tequila comes from?”
“Yeah, I can tell you about that, too.”
“Nah, it’s okay,” he chuckles, then goes on, “My friend is doing this cleanse diet…”
“Water, maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne?” I said. I saw the bag of lemons in his basket.
“Yeah! For like, two weeks or something that’s all he’s having.”
“I’m sure he’ll go crazy after day two.”
Now, I’m not sure how desperate you or your body has to be to go on what I would call the Splash Mountain Diet, but I’m sure it works. I’ve read testimonials, and it definitely seems like a good way to rid your body of its demons. Detox diets aside though, my friend there got the idea that I know my way around food, and asked me a more interesting question.
“You got a business card?”
… No(?) Should I? True, it’s not the first time I’ve educated other customers at the grocery store. I seem to be the one that friends and family turn to with questions about food. I spend way too much time reading about the subject, and researching trends, nutrition, and talking about how Miami is way behind California and New York and by the time we got cupcakes down here, the latter two were already focusing on whoopie pies. I mean, this is a problem. Like, World-of-Warcraft-style OBSESSED. Well, maybe not quite that bad. But it occurred to me, maybe I should be doing what the celebrities do, and over-share my issues with the world. Maybe I too could be full of “winning”… Just kidding Charlie Sheen, you win just for giving such a hilarious interview. But I bet your cupcakes are full of FAIL.
So those business cards? Not yet at least. But this is probably better.