I’d say I censor myself pretty well on here. I could write the way I actually talk, but that would mean I’d have to come up with textual ways to express the quirky sounds and phrases that come out of my mouth (which would require a glossary page), as well as put up a sensitivity warning on my home page. But I know who and what I’m going for on here, I know what I should, and shouldn’t write, and since it is my blog, I’ll call the shots.
I don’t think it’s a big deal…
But godfuckingdamnit, Congress, do NOT censor my LOLCATS.
And that is all I will say on the manner of this whole internet censorship insanity.
One thing I do often say as a substitute for swearing is “cheese-and-rice”. I say it quickly, with a Hispanic accent. For example, “Cheese-and-rice, what a dumbass”, or “Cheese-and-rice, this chocolate torte is orgasmically wonderful”. I have no reservations about using the phrase “Jesus Christ”. Actually, I probably use each phrase equally. But there are a few reasons I say “cheese-and-rice”. One, I just like the way it rhymes with “Jesus Christ”. Two, people who swear often have to use a variety, otherwise nobody likes you anymore. Three… it sounds cute, and would, in reality, be delicious.
And while I’m not too keen on most vegan cheese substitutes, I made one of my own, just to feel good about myself.
1 cup brown rice
2 cups warm water or vegetable broth
1 cup vegetable of your choice (I used broccoli; you can try tomato, sweet peas, carrots, cooked mushrooms, etc.)
1/2 cup raw cashews, soaked in filtered water for 2 hours
2 Tbsp nutritional yeast*
2 Tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp dijon mustard
a few sprinkles of dried turmeric
a dash of nutmeg
salt to taste
*About nutritional yeast, a.k.a. “nooch” in the cult-vegan world: this is a high-protein, vitamin B-loaded supplement, grown on molasses. It has a savory, sorta-cheesy flavor, although you really can’t compare it to real cheese. Nonetheless, it appeals to a lot of people’s taste buds, and makes for a good cheese alternative.
By the way, thanks to Allie for the surplus supply ;)
1) Begin by toasting the rice in a large, dry pan, on medium heat. Stir the rice around frequently, to keep it from burning. It will start to snap, crackle, pop (haha…), and that’s when you know you’re getting there. Make sure to really keep stirring at this point. Once the noise subsides a bit, add your water or broth, and a little salt if you’d like. (Be careful when pouring the liquid in. I had actually boiled my water, and pouring that into an already hot pan of rice was quite bubbly and scary.) Bring the heat down to low, cover, and cook 20-30 minutes, or until most of the liquid is absorbed, and the rice is almost done. Then add your veggies, and a little more liquid if necessary. Cover again and cook until the rice is done, about 10 minutes.
2) While the rice is in its first stage of cooking, you can start the sauce. Drain the cashews and place them in a food processor. Start chopping them finely.
3) Scrape down the cashew pieces with a rubber or silicone spatula, and add the remaining ingredients for the sauce. Puree until smooth, adding a little water along the way to help it out. This is the basic sauce. You can adjust it to your own taste. I added a bit of vegan worcesteshire sauce, and a little slice of avocado. You can try other herbs and spices, miso paste, barbecue sauce, tahini, etc.
4) Mix the sauce in with the rice. Adjust the seasoning if necessary. Done.
It’s actually like a vegan Rice-a-Roni… Of course, you could use the sauce on pasta, barley, quinoa, amaranth, etc. From a health perspective, I like that this dish is made with practically no processed ingredients, it has all natural, good fats, and has plenty of protein and fiber. Win. And yes, it tastes goooood… By the way, toasting the rice brings out its nutty flavor and a more satisfying texture. Plus, it cooks faster because it’s more ready to absorb liquid when toasted. You should toast all your grains, damnit.
A little hot sauce doesn’t hurt either…